June 12 Meditation (Pandanym, Cory.C)

June 12 Meditation ( Pandanym ,  Cory.C )

June 12 Meditation (Pandanym, Cory.C)

I don’t get nervous about public speaking. At least, I don’t think I do.

The intro for today’s Meditation talks about a specific day on which the creator was “stressed out and sleep deprived” and pondering the decisions they’ve made. So when the game loaded and I found myself in a first-person perspective at the back of a theatre, my view periodically briefly closed off as if by one big eye closing, I assumed I was part of the packed audience. And then I looked around, and noticed that the row of people I was beside, all identical silhouettes, all had their eyes turned to me. So I moved down the tiered rows, towards the stage with its rippling circles on the walls, floor, and ceiling. And as I moved, I seemed to sway, as if every time I took two steps forward I also took one back. It felt like it took an age to get to the stage, and then – when I was finally stood behind that lectern – the game ended.

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It’s possible this isn’t about fear of public speaking per se. Maybe the creator was just having the kind of day on which it’s not ideal to have a public speaking engagement. Today I woke with a headache that got progressively worse. I spent the afternoon recording Chips With Everything, the podcast I present for the Guardian, and in the evening I headed to the BBC to appear on Radio 4’s Front Row.

I love talking on the radio. But I do not love feeling like invisible hands are squeezing my skull and making it difficult to think. That said, I don’t think I had a headache the last time I came out of a radio appearance feeling like it had gone terribly, so maybe I don’t feel as positively about public speaking as I think I do.

Or maybe everyone feels that way.

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